


Slightly Yet Totally Fucked

by TheOddWolf



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Adorable Armin Arlert, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Asshole Grisha Yeager, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Author Is So Fucking Tired, College Student Eren Yeager, College Student Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Crying, Dead Carla, Dead Marco Bott, Depressed Eren Yeager, Depression, Doctor Erwin Smith, Doctor Hange Zoë, Drinking, Drugs, Eren Is a Little Shit, F/F, F/M, Grisha Yeager's Bad Parenting, Heavy Angst, Homophobic Grisha Yeager, Hospitals, I Don't Even Know, Insomniac Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) Is A Badass, Levi Is Bad At Feelings, Like Really Tired, M/M, Mikasa Ackerman & Levi Are Related, Oops, Panic Attacks, Please Don't Kill Me, Sad, Sad Eren Yeager, Sad Jean Kirstein, Sassy Eren Yeager, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slice of Life, Smoking, So Wrong It's Right, Suicidal Thoughts, Tags Are Hard, Tags May Change, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-28
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2018-07-27 06:04:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7606552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOddWolf/pseuds/TheOddWolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If I had to be honest, nothing had ever gone right to start with. If you ask me to look back upon a happy time, I wouldn't be able to tell you. If you ask me when is the last time I didn't feel like shit, I wouldn't know how to answer. I was always slightly yet totally fucked.</p>
<p>After previous attempts at suicide and failing miserably, I finally get on my feet and begin college with the close eye of my friends Armin and Mikasa and their annoying but amazing partners. </p>
<p>Yet here I am wondering if I'll make it past a day without wanting to kill myself, (or will that change somehow?)</p>
<p>Either way, I will probably always be slightly, yet totally, fucked.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Who the fuck

**Author's Note:**

> Alright,  
> This is going to be in the POV of Eren and his destructive shitty mind so tiggers kids
> 
> I'm not the nicest author, but I'm not a bratty fuck so I'll appreciate constructive criticism and shit.  
> Also tell me about grammar errors, don't just leave me out to dry with a sentence that makes me look incoherent, I'm writing these around 11 PM to 3 AM so help me out here a bit.

If I had to be honest, nothing had ever gone right to start with. If you ask me to look back upon a happy time, I wouldn't be able to tell you. If you ask me when is the last time I didn't feel like shit, I wouldn't know how to answer. It had always been this way, since the day my mother died giving birth at me, my fate had been sealed.

I remember the first time I had tried too. Suicide that is. It was after my father had come home from yet another drunk night that I had taken the biggest beating in my 16 years of life.

He had come home drunk, full of anger and bitterness as he slowly trudged his way to my bedroom door. I had made the fateful mistake of trying to hide from his drunken hate when he had found me hiding under my small bed.

“The hell do you think… you’re doing… you ungrateful shit” His bitter words spat, his breath drowning me as I suppressed a gag.

The rest of the night was filled with kicking, crying and more threats after he had planted me on the ground with a forceful punch. I had never felt so low in my life, and the moment I was able to stand on my own I had decided that I didn’t want to continue such a life.

I had rummaged for a long while in my father’s medicine cabinet after he had fallen asleep and eventually found what I thought to be what I needed. 

“Fucked. That’s what I am right. So, so fucked…” I’d think to myself, writing lengthy paragraphs on the nearest piece of paper of my final apologies.

With that, I had choked back sobs and taken the caps off three different medications, praying that at least one of bottles would finish the job of ending my miserable life. 

Using the liquor bottle I had stolen many years before, I had swallowed a handful of different pills, a small cry escaping my chapped lips, causing a few of the capsules to fall from my mouth as I swallowed what I could.

I had originally taken the bottle on the hope of stopping my bullshit of a father from drinking, but eventually came to believe I’d drink on my 18th birthday as to making it that far.

Who would have thought that I wouldn’t even make it to that birthday. (Or at least those were my thoughts at the time)

My mind raced as I lied back in my bed, body sore, as I’d close my eyes unable to contain my sobs, as I’d quietly cry, hopeful not to wake anyone. 

Waiting, my mind became slower and slower till I had eventually fallen asleep, awaiting the death I was so sure would confront me.

The wish was ruined (sadly), when I found myself awakening to the smell of bleach, the sound of beeping, and the flooding light which had attacked my sight.

My body was painfully stiff, seemingly more so than usual, as I could barely look around enough to see what looked like an IV in my arm.

“..Where am I?” My hoarse voice escaped, asking the startled woman beside me who had been checking the shitty equipment that was probably making sure I wasn’t dead.

“O-oh… You’re awake.” Was all she managed, not answering my question as she scurried out of the room.

“Gee thanks… Great answer..” I winced out, barely able to prop myself into a semi sitting position, looking at the white quilted sheets that were surprisingly warm and comfortable.

 

It had barely been a minute or so before someone else entered, a smile plastered on that stupid face of his.

“Eren Yeager, finally awake I see. It’s nice to meet you with your eyes open. Welcome back to the land of the living” He’d chuckle, only turning my stomach as I’d look at him.

“Fuck.” Was all I could manage, rubbing a hand through my tangled brown mess of hair as I closed my eyes.

“Well that’s not exactly the response I wanted, but yes Mr.Yeager. You’re still alive. My name is Erwin Smith, I’ll be your doctor for the week until you're allowed to leave. You father was persistent on wanting to know when you'd be able to leave. ” He’d smile. His annoying yet somewhat charming smile. God how he had pissed me off.

“My father?” I had repeated him quietly, picking at my nails as if they were my only interest now.

“Yes… He was the one who had seen you lose consciousness after.. crying..” He had taken a moment of just staring at me, probably trying to figure out on what to say next as he furrowed the caterpillars on his fucking face called eyebrows. 

“Eren why were you crying exactly?” He had started suddenly, gently moving my shoulder in a motion to show my back to him.

I sorely shrugged as he untied the gown I was wearing, beginning to change the bandages I had now realized were covering my body.

'Covering your ugly ass body or your ugly ass marks from abuse?'

“Eren?” The man had repeated, earning only my silence in return as he’d sigh, finishing before standing.

Part of me at the time wished I had told him why, and hell, part of me still does. Though I had never told him a damn thing at the time, only ignoring his questions when he tried to prod at the reasons of my damaged body or why I had tried to die. 

I never answered him though.

 

My father had picked me up after a few days with heavy recommendations of therapy or other means of help, all which he had promised as we left the hospital.

By promising means of help, I guess that’s what he had called moving, because as soon as that month ended, we had moved to a different part of the state entirely. 

There, I had met Mikasa and Armin, people I proudly called my friends as they helped me through things. 

It didn’t take them long to figure out my situation at home, and within a few months of living in my new home, Grisha was taken to jail for countless offensives and I was living with Mikasa and her family.

And as much as I hated the man, I had felt guilt for locking him away only because he was grieving over the fact he had lost the love of his life to some snot nosed shit. Though I guess to hate someone, you first have to love them anyway.

Countless of times I was yelled at for this belief by Mikasa and Armin, though I still couldn’t let go of the fact I had put my own blood in jail for just going through a hard time.

From that point in my life, I tried getting my shit together as best I could. Going to college, getting an apartment on my own, meeting a shit-ton of people, doing a shit-ton of things.  
And this, is where the story actually begins.


	2. Good Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuck chapter summaries. Just read the fucking chapter. Oh but TW: self-harm don't fuck yourself over reading that. Skip it if you have to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's writing style has changed in the last year.  
> Alright so, shit is obviously going to be different and hopefully better. Don't tear my a new anus though if my gay ass makes a shit-ton of mistakes. It's been awhile.  
> Honestly, I always make my fucking chapters at the worst of times and currently it's 2 :08 AM.  
> Hopefully this isn't going to be pure shit, but I won't be surprised if it's a bit full of fuckery.
> 
> Also, I'm probably a lot less of an asshole than last year, my gay ass found the best fucking boyfriend on the Gold Coast so I won't be surprised if my schedule of posting is still shit but I hope my attitude screams less "shove a boot up your ass." and more "yeah sure I have some time to talk."
> 
> Alright, that's all, have fun reading.

“Eren..”

_God, fuck off, please._

“Eren, wake up.”

_Seriously, fuck off._

_Just go away, please lord._

“Eren Yeager I swear to God I will pick you up, dress you, and place you in my car. You are not going to be late for classes again. It’s already 11:23, get the fuck up.”

Eren's body immediately began to usher protests to the male as a loud groan passed his lips, the 20 year old straining like an elderly man to sit up as he frowned. He was having another morning where he would rather roll over and suffocate in his pillow than get up and participate in normal human things with other normal humans. Honestly, being human in itself was already a frustrating task as he rubbed his eyes before a hand holding something presented itself in front of him. 

"Your medicine." A softer tune would come from his practical sister as he took them along with the water that she also presented him with.

"Thanks." He would nod to her, throwing them to the back of his mouth and swallowing them quickly as he could before he'd drown them down his throat with the water.

"Your cousin flying in today?" Eren would ask as she'd turn to leave, the male not bothering to change out of his pajamas as he'd follow her out, looking to a plate of food on the table that he assumed she had made for him as he grabbed it, wolfing it down before he'd lift his head to see her disgusted look.

"Yeah he's coming... Though you might not even get to meet him if you choke on your food. Jesus, Eren, you act like I starve you." She would huff as he found himself rolling his eyes with a smirk. It was an often occurrence for her to act like his mother as the thought turned bitter fast, his remnant of a smile dropping nearly as soon as it grew on his face.

Christ, it was too early for depressing thoughts like this as he looked to her skeptical gaze, realizing he had been caught in his moment of self-pity. Deciding he need to change topics quick, Eren groaned loudly as he grabbed his bag and keys, leading toward the door.

"You know you really have to stop breaking in. Just because your cousin is going to be staying here for a while doesn't mean I'm housing your ass too. I already lived with you through high school, I'm not reliving your nagging." He would banter, a cheeky smile replacing his previous look of solemn as he closed the door behind her, following her to his car.

"Well maybe if you took better care of yourself, I wouldn't have to use the key atop your door frame. Which by the way, is different than breaking in."

"How so? You're still coming in uninvited. Isn't that breaking in?"

"No.. I didn't break anything."

"Yeah, this time." He chuckled, pulling out from where he parked as he caught her rolling her eyes.

 

The ride to Rose college was a quiet one as the day began slow, Eren dragging his feet as he still found himself bound to sleep by the ankles, barely making it to his classes.

"Damn Eren, you look like hell."

"Thanks, Connie I didn't notice. Hey don't you have a girlfriend to watch over before she eats you out of house and home?" Eren would address to his friend, sitting next to his friends. Art History was the only class that almost all his friends all had together as Eren smiled at Sasha, Connie's girlfriend, that was sure enough taking food from her lover's bag.

"Aha! Exhibit A." Eren scoffed, pointing at her as she raised her head in confusion, Connie's face tainting red as he'd go on to scolding her into waiting till lunch before she ate, causing a chuckle to escape Eren as he turned to his other side. 

"Hey Ar." Eren greeted as Armin sat on his other side, his smile covered by a look of worry as Eren returned it with one of confusion before he looked past the blonde to see Jean, another friend of theirs, dragging his feet up the steps and over to the seats where the rest of them were sitting. 

Eren let out a silent "Ah." in understanding as Armin looked to Jean in a moment of mutual understanding. As the male sat down, bringing out his things, Armin tapped Eren's shoulder as he pushed a piece of paper over, Eren lowering his head to look what was on it.

_Marco isn't doing well. We were all at the hospital and they basically put him on death watch. Jean wasn't taking well to it, obviously._

Eren frowned as he looked past Armin again to see Jean tapping a pencil against the laptop in front of him that wasn't even turned on, as Eren looked back to Armin. The normally prideful male that Eren would normally have playful arguments with, obviously wasn't doing well as an invisible line of hurt pulled at Eren's heart. Marco was his friend too, and it hurt him just as much as the rest when they found out Marco was probably not going to make it to the next year, but it affect Jean on a different level entirely. They were high school sweethearts, marked in the yearbook as cutest couple even, as Eren sought to feel for Jean. Eren knew the pain of losing someone before his eyes, and he knew it was probably in a whole other spectrum of pain even with Marco being his  _lover._

"You know, when we all found this out back in January, it was so surreal." Armin spoke softly to Eren, trying his hardest to not speak loud enough to upset Jean.

"The year went by so fast, and even though he's still here, it's obvious we've been losing him for a while now." He continued, picking at his cardigan as Eren remained silent. He was also in his own denial about Marco. They all were. Marco was the happiest of them all, a kid who could never do anything wrong. Yet here he was, his only flaw in life being the fight with death itself.

"I don't know how Jean is going to be after Marco passes." Eren finally spoke on the matter, Armin unable to respond whether he wanted to or not as the class started. 

The rest of the day had gone by quickly as thoughts of Marco found themselves in Eren's head multiple times, only bringing the male's mood further down each time as he found himself emotionally drained by the time he was done his classes for the day.

 

The clock was pushing 3:07 in the afternoon and Eren still had around an hour to kill before he would begin his drive over to get Mikasa's cousin at the airport as he unlocked his home, taking the key atop the door in assurance no one would come in uninvited. 

The moment he set his bag down, mechanically, Eren found himself walking to his room as the male fell to his knees in a sudden shift in mood. A grotesque sob left his mouth as his body shook, Eren falling to his knees and then curling within himself on the floor as he cried.

Though this was probably horrifying to watch unfold in front of their eyes, crying the moment Eren came home seemed to be an often occurrence as he found himself almost screaming. He wasn't sure if he was yelling out of anger for the pain his friend was going, if it was for the dead cat beside the road that he saw on his drive back home, the ice cream that he watched fall from a child's cone earlier that day, or if it was just the fucking weather. 

Whatever it was, it caused a sweeping wretchedness to fall over the room, sobs crawling up his throat and pushing his body forward and back as he simply lied there and cried, loud and gross. He was overcome with emotions, all crashing down over him as he gasped for breath before quieting to obscene sniffles, the male beginning to calm as he breathed.

Yes, days like this were often for Eren, building up over a few days before he'd crash and burn, the male shaking as he'd sit himself up. Though he was under the close watch of Armin and Mikasa, they were still too distracted with their own problems of school, Jean and Marco, and other small things for any real flags to raise in their suspicion for Eren's mental health as he stood slowly.

A distraction was always needed on days like this. Though this was nearly every day if he were to be honest with himself as he walked over to the bathroom, taking out the drawer, Eren peeled back the paper that lined underneath to reveal multiple blades beneath it. Either alcohol or self-harm was really the only way Eren found himself to calm his raging mind now. Nothing had really changed since high school, no matter how much he wished they had, and how much Armin and Mikasa thought.

Eren was still his old self-destructive mess, too wrapped up in self-pity and depression to ever find the strength in him to keep his head above water like everyone else around him as he slide his pajama pants down. Lifting his boxers, he'd reveal neat lines surrounding around his thighs of multiple colours that showed this wasn't his first offence.

Some were thin and white, showing their age, where s others were red with pink surrounding, jagged and yet to heal into scars as Eren took a deep breath. Slowly, he'd drag the cool metal with slight pressure into his skin as he'd empty his lungs as well as any bad thoughts he had collected over the day. As his skin healed from this, Eren felt as though he was healing emotionally in his own way, even if he knew deep down it was wrong as he sat back against the bathtub, closing his eyes. Before he knew it, he found himself heavy-lidded as he lost consciousness, falling asleep right then and there.

 

Waking, Eren stayed still for a while longer before looking at the crusted wounds on his leg, deciding to just leave it be as he pulled his pants back up, looking to his phone.

"Oh fuck-" He scoffed.

"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh FUCK." He cursed, rushing to put everything away as he'd slam the drawer shut and rush to grab a jacket, taking his keys as he'd leave the lights on for when he got home.

He was a little more than 15 minutes late for picking up Mikasa's cousin as he practically threw himself into his Jeep, starting the engine and pulling out as he'd start at a questionable speed, rushing to the airport.

Arriving however, Eren groaned loudly as he looked to the time of the plane the male was on, finding it to be 30 minutes late. With luck on his side, Eren was right on time as he released a sigh of relief, glad to know he probably looked like a mad man running through the airport. 

Frowning, Eren rubbed his legs as blood collected to his pants steadily, probably now open with the amount of running Eren did as he rolled his eyes and chose to ignore it, figuring it would dry as he waited by the gate for everyone to come through. 

The plane took another five minutes before people started coming out as Eren bit his lip in realization he had no idea who he was looking for, much less even the name of the male that was supposedly going to stay with him for the next two years or so at the least.

And so, Eren stood there feeling like a moron as men and woman of all shapes and sizes walked out and past him, Eren growing in anxiety at the thought of being at the wrong gate. Slowly, Eren's hands would trail down to his legs as he'd scratch at them slowly, his teeth beginning to grind on his bottom lip as the amount of people slowly came to a stop and the last person walked out, walking past him and to a family of their own.

Anxiety surrounded Eren as he looked around for a moment, standing there as he looked for any other flights that might have been coming from Tours, France.

Turning away from the gate, Eren's breath started to increase in pace as metal began to assault his taste buds, his teeth puncturing the soft flesh of his lips before a voice interrupted his doubtful thoughts.

"Eren Yeager?" A smooth deep voice sounded behind him as he whipped around, eyes lowering to a shorter male with sharp features as Eren swallowed the taste of blood.

"Christ, Mikasa said you were going to be anxiety-riddled if you couldn't find me, but I didn't think you'd look like a fucking nut-case." He'd insult as Eren was taken aback, a whine escaping him much to his own surprise as the shorter male seemed to realize his mistake.

"I'm Levi. Mikasa's cousin, obviously." He'd change the topic, Eric opening his mouth to introduce himself only to be cut off.

"You're Eren Yeager, yeah I know. It's not like I didn't just say your name about twenty seconds ago or anything."  _Levi_   would tell Eren as Eren lowered his gaze from the black haired male that currently rendered him speechless.

"Alright lead the way, then. Don't just stand there like I kicked over your kid." He sighed, Eren nodded as he'd fidget with his keys, turning to leave the airport as he'd enter the parking lot and walk to his car, Levi throwing his bag in the back before sitting next to Eren as he'd start the car.

This was going to be a long ass two years, Eren thought, as a frown settling onto his features. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's fucking 1:20 PM I'm actually going to go set myself on fucking fire, I'm so tired it's not even funny. I regret my life choices.

**Author's Note:**

> This is slightly short in my standards, but not to worry. This is more of a prologue without actually being a prologue, so enjoy.  
> Don't be afraid to tell me what you think of it as well.


End file.
